I have a stash of things to do tonight. However, I feel uneasy about starting with anything because I feel like there's this feeling I just had to let out before I can do homework in peace.
Second Year, it was probably the craziest year of my high school life. It might have been the year when I didn't really feel my class, but I guess that's part of the crazy-ness. But what's crazier is that during that year, I WAS GRADE-CONSCIOUS and was actually a decent-er student than how I am right now. But then, you can't take out the lazy part like going to sleep at 8 and waking up at 5. But when I'm home, I actually get things done, no matter how little sleep I'd get. Now, I don't achieve anything at home, neither do I in the dorm.
Earlier this day, I was going through the files under the table, and I saw something that is about me in Second Year. I realized how much I had changed since. Sadly, that change seemed like it's for the worse. And what's sadder is that whatever I read earlier, I know, would make a big impact on my life sooner or later. Those words, I can use them to inspire me to strive for the better, or to just think how despicable and worthless I have become that I do not deserve to receive any of those words.
Now that I think about it, maybe Second Year was the only time I could call myself a Pisay student despite the almost-non-existent social life. It was the time when I really learned. A time when studying did not mean read then memorize then keep in head, but understanding whatever was taught. When cramming meant 1+1+1+6 and not 3.
But if you'd ask me, I wouldn't want to go back to Second Year. Neither do I want to go back to my Second Year self. I think of Second Year as a not-so-pleasant yet very colorful experience. It's like a painting that hurts your eyes too much you do not want to look at it again, and yet it is stuck in your memory. I think that is what makes an artwork effective and beautiful. However, it is such an injustice to paintings, or any form of art, to be compared to my life. I apologize for that.
Last thought that I have to get out of my head so I can study in peace: I am a failure. Before, some people knew me, and had hopes for me. Time has passed and those certain people do not remember me anymore. That is because I did not live up to their hopes. I know, people say that you shouldn't live how others want you to live etc etc, but I guess this is different. It's more of like I think they can see what I am aiming at, and they had hopes for me that I can get a clearer view of what I am aiming at, so they were there to help me climb up higher in this tree I'm in. But sadly, I had failed them. They did not see me trying, and so they just concentrated on others whose efforts they can see. And because I lost my support and guide, and add confusion to it, it's like I slipped and fell into mud, stuck. And now the very least I can do so as to not let my support and guide down is to stand up and get a grip of that tree again. But now I'm on my own, because I passed up on the chance.
Okay now I think I'm ready to see "I'm sure that given proper training and objectives, she'll develop into that person she wants to be" work in my life. To the person who said this, I know that you probably don't remember or even know me anymore, but please know that you are a teacher who had left a mark in my life, and I will assure you that, maybe not soon, but someday, I will live up to your hopes, not only for me, but for the people you have entrusted your passion to.
Wow okey this is such an incoherent post, please don't mind me.
