Idiot.

I feel like the biggest idiot of all time.


So, earlier, I was talking to a friend who I haven't talked to for a while. After talking through some random stuff, she brought up a certain person in the conversation. Someone who I'm not really enthusiastic to talk about. So she asked if we're classmates this year, but unfortunately, we still haven't gone through enrollment procedure and so we're still clueless as to who will be in our classes next term. And I think I blew up with this statement, "I hope you're classmates next year!"


It took me a while to think of a reply, but all I came up with was a, "I hope not." I don't really know why I said that, because, honestly, I'd really, really love to be in the same class as that person. So my friend went on, "Why not? Maybe then, you could fix things up, and become friends again?" And then it hit me. I think the reason why I said, "I hope not," was because I think I know that things will not work out even if we spend a whole school year right in front of each other's faces.


Maybe you'd think that I am being too pessimistic about this. But somehow, I have a basis. Last school year, we still have some kind medium of interaction. Actually, when school just started (last year!), we still say "Hi!" or text or chat. But as the year went on, we gradually quit talking, even in that only medium for us to talk. And things got worse. We came to a point that we were "talking" again, but it's just trash talk about each other.


But, thinking about it, maybe she has a point. I remember last year, a couple of other friends said the same thing to me. They really did hope we become classmates again so we can straighten things out. It's just that, this time, I'm really scared of what might happen when we become classmates again. Last year, we weren't exactly classmates (but technically, we are, in a way), and look at what happened to us. I wonder if we see each other more often, won't we hate and get tired of each other more?


And recently, everything have turned into a complete hate against that person. But isn't that stupid? To hate someone?

I just saw something interesting over the TV. They're also simulating a sad part of our society -- protesters. No, not protesters in general. It's those protesters that go on about, shouting on the streets. While their cause is good, some of their requests are quite irrelevant. And some don't check their facts before they go on and hold demonstrations. Just a random comment. Don't shoot me.

Thoughts of an Incoming Senior student

One month from now, I'll be starting my life as a Senior student. Honestly, I have a lot of apprehensions, dreads, and fears.


What I really fear the most:
I fear that this year won't be taken to the full.


This I'll elaborate on with my next points.


I feel that this year, although I really want to, I still wouldn't be that student that is good at studying. 
I really have a lot to make up for this year. My performance last year was just so bad, I couldn't even bring myself to look at my Report Card, even if I half-don't-care. I don't know where people get that trait, but I have to be more responsible with schoolwork. I don't think it's about distractions. I think it's about the will to do it. Because in Second Year, I had the will to do things, and I get good results even if I Tumblr-Facebook-Twitter half of the time.


Probably, on my Senior Year, my social life will take a downfall.
It's not really that good to begin with, so that's no biggie. What I meant with this is that I'll probably not make that much new friends this year, as compared to what I have gained the previous year. Well, not really. Most of them are just "friends" anyway. Something in the middle of Acquaintances and Buddies, at least. But aside from that I won't make much new friends, I'm pretty sure I'll lose some friends as well. I'm way beyond annoying and so people can't stand me. Yeah.


I hope I don't jinx it, but I really, really hope I won't be classmates with certain people. Well, okay, at least just these two people. I don't think I'll be able to manage if those two will be in my class (elective is fine). 
One is an ex-friend. He broke apart the friendship for some reason I don't know. New crowd, I guess. But then suddenly he goes to me. But he's become so much worse than when we became friends, to the point that I really wouldn't want to be associated with him in any way. 
The other one is a former classmate. An ex-friend, too, I guess. Last year, it came to a point where we normally don't care about each other's existence, but when we do, we fight. Or say something negative about each other. But it's good thing we didn't really become that close before, or else it would've been worse. But what's sad is that I have a friends who wants us to be classmates again, "so that you can fix things up," they say.


I'm quite apprehensive that the curriculum might not be something I could grasp easily. Okay, I love Math. I really do. But for some reason, I don't really get the concepts so easily. What's worse is that I easily get frustrated when I don't get a grasp of things when I have to. And I'm really scared that I might not do well in something that I'm really excited to get my hands into. Ah, this is bad.


Another thing that I'm scared of as well is to find out who from our Batch have been kicked out (I hope there's none. But if I think of Ma'am Girlie's answer, I really think some people were let off). In the previous years, oddly, I didn't really give much thought to those that would be getting kicked out. Sure, I have friends who flunked a subject and have been let off. But I guess that would be because I'm sure that they will be alright wherever they move to. They still have time to adjust. I'm not saying that those who just got kicked out would have a hard time. It's just that, I think it would be quite harder to catch up when you only have a year to do so. And of course, people from this school would miss them.


I haven't even thought of which elective I should take. I wonder if this year, I'll be in one that really suits my interest. Last year's was fine. It was fun in a way. And I liked it somehow because it's the only time I can stay quiet. There weren't really much into the curriculum, and some of the activities were downright boring, but I can see out teacher's enthusiasm. It makes me feel like a really bad student. But this year, we might not have that elective. I wonder if I'll get into one that I'll survive in. I hope I do.


I don't want to leave my school. Of course, that something I can't avoid. Whether I graduate or not, I would still have to leave this school. Even when I was just a Freshie, thoughts about leaving this school just darkens the atmosphere, because it's a sad, but inevitable fact. I've created so much memories in this school that I'm scared to leave. I know that when I leave, a lot of those memories will just be forgotten (it already happens while I'm still here, what more when I leave?). And I've become too comfortable with the 45 minutes-per-class scheme that I don't think it will be easy for me to adjust to college schedule. Sure, if I get into UP Diliman, it would be just like Pisay, only bigger and with more people. But I'm still not comfortable about the  thought.


(Someone just tried to talk about "love life". I don't have one, really. It's not like someone would ever take a liking on me, right?)


These are just a few of the countless thoughts about Senior Year I have in mind. I really just hope for the best chances.

Random.


Almost a year ago, I met this dude through some mutual friends. That day, we didn't really talk, until it's around time to go home. We started talking when we were about to leave for the bus station they were going to. And we didn't really stop talking, except when we're interrupted or when they had to go already. 


I call him Kuya KK in my blog/tweets. Even sometimes when we chat. He doesn't really object 'cause he was the one who told me to think about what I would want to call him.


There was a time last year when we chattered almost every day. But we both became busy (as he has exams for University, and my school just became really stressful) so we kind of just talk through mails and sometimes text (text is really inconvenient because it's International and stuff, but it's the fastest way). I really just miss those times.


After a while of not talking... I logged on to Skype one day while waiting for a friend to go online when... Janjajaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan~ He went online. And he started the conversation, alright. (Wow, that's so much for me being really "feeling close") And my, we just had a lot of catching up to do! It was unfortunate, though, that it was quite late (around 23:00 on his clock) so we couldn't really talk for so long. But we did talk about quite a lot of things!


So finally, he passed into University. But then, he would still take an exam next year, to pass into this better University~ so basically, he's just going to spend his year studying and some small trips (again). And he was so surprised when I told him that I, in three months' time, am going to take exams for University as well. After all, we have this six-and-a-half year gap between our ages, so I can't really blame him. ^^


And oh, I really do hope he comes to the Philippines soon. Maybe sometime around UPCAT (since our Quarter Exams are going to be on the week before UPCAT). And really, I'll bring him to The Fort (so I'll be allowed) and if possible, to my school. I promised a treat, so I have to prepare. But he shan't worry, I already have my birthday gift~ I'm really looking forward to him going here pretty soon, because I really want to talk like before. Talking with awkward accents and we have to repeat almost everything twice or thrice because we couldn't understand each other.


I apologise for this post. I really just miss this dude~

Some stuff in my life right now...

So today, my parents really pressed my buttons BIG-TIME.

I'm honestly annoyed at them pushing me to apply for this Singapore study program. I mean, studying in Singapore is nice, but I've told them countless times before, I'm not really interested at the moment. I'm having enough troubles with having passing grades already, and they want me to take on a scholarship that has such high provisions? I'm not even sure if I'll pass into UP Diliman, and they're still pressing me to do this?

It would have been a bit better if they're serious about what they say that they don't mind if I fail or it's just for experience and stuff like that. They say that A LOT, I can repeat what they tell me every single time. I'm really annoyed that they tell me that a lot when I know it's not true.

How can I say it's not true, you may ask? OH I REMEMBER DURING THE PHISCI EXAMINATIONS. When I wasn't in the Official Passer's List, they -- especially my dad -- was mad. Infuriated. I almost wasn't even allowed to apply for this school where I wanted to study. Makes me mad.

And now, I have to cut this. My dad is pestering me to fill up the form that is due later and has to be directly sent to the Singaporean Ministry of Education. Smart, right? So frustrating. And annoying.


Thirtieth of April edit: Today's the cut-off the application. I've been dragged out to the Singaporean Embassy, since we have to pass my application form. I told them over and over last night: THEY HAVE TO GET IT WITHIN THIS DAY! But my dad's really stubborn. He still went (and dragged me along). I stayed far since I know what was going to happen. And it did. The security told us (well, my dad, rather) to send the documents directly to the Ministry of Education.


And then at home, my dad scolded me about it. That I didn't prioritize filling up the Application Form. I told them over and over: I DON'T WANT TO. And then he goes like, he got tired and all, and all he hears from me is that I don't really want to apply. Hullo! How many times have I repeated that statement to them? Even I can't tell! It's that much! And oh, who said that I should still push through with the application? Isn't it them? Last night, I kept on telling them: In order for me to be considered for examination, they have to get my documents by this day. But what? They still pushed for the Embassy. And now he blames me that they got tired and all? Why, doesn't he think that I got tired as well? 


I didn't want to apply in the first place. I really don't. I know people from my batch who are also going to try this out, and let me tell you -- they are really smart people. And they really want to get the chance. So I know I don't stand a chance since this program only accepts one student a year.


Ugh. This really just got into my nerves. I'm so tired of my parents forcing me what to do. Like, dorm. They ask me every year if I want to dorm. Ever since First Year, I didn't want to dorm. That's why when Third Quarter comes, I go home almost every day. Obviously, even if I didn't want to dorm, I went in. Because it's them who'll decide anyway. Seriously, why even ask?


How I wish I were in those kinds of families that are close to each other. And the parents let their kids decide on their own. 

The First, and definitely, not the best

Pardon my first post. It will probably not meet your standards.

The sad thing is, neither would the following posts will. I bet your bottom dollar that you'd quit reading through in a few moments.

I'm definitely not a writer. So I hope you don't expect much from me, as how I do not expect anyone to be reading this blog anyway. If you want quality posts, I can recommend you some. But definitely not mine.I hope that through Blogger, I'd be able to find great insights that I cannot formulate with my own mind. Fifteen years into the world and I'm already convinced that my brain is made to just accept things, and to not give a second thought. I'd make an ideal citizen, especially for those countries whose governments use brainwash in order to control their society. It is ironic, of course, that I am like this. For all I know, every single person from my school is expected to become a leader of this nation when the time comes. But dear citizens of this country who help in funding my studies, I'm sorry that I have failed you.