I have a stash of things to do tonight. However, I feel uneasy about starting with anything because I feel like there's this feeling I just had to let out before I can do homework in peace.
Second Year, it was probably the craziest year of my high school life. It might have been the year when I didn't really feel my class, but I guess that's part of the crazy-ness. But what's crazier is that during that year, I WAS GRADE-CONSCIOUS and was actually a decent-er student than how I am right now. But then, you can't take out the lazy part like going to sleep at 8 and waking up at 5. But when I'm home, I actually get things done, no matter how little sleep I'd get. Now, I don't achieve anything at home, neither do I in the dorm.
Earlier this day, I was going through the files under the table, and I saw something that is about me in Second Year. I realized how much I had changed since. Sadly, that change seemed like it's for the worse. And what's sadder is that whatever I read earlier, I know, would make a big impact on my life sooner or later. Those words, I can use them to inspire me to strive for the better, or to just think how despicable and worthless I have become that I do not deserve to receive any of those words.
Now that I think about it, maybe Second Year was the only time I could call myself a Pisay student despite the almost-non-existent social life. It was the time when I really learned. A time when studying did not mean read then memorize then keep in head, but understanding whatever was taught. When cramming meant 1+1+1+6 and not 3.
But if you'd ask me, I wouldn't want to go back to Second Year. Neither do I want to go back to my Second Year self. I think of Second Year as a not-so-pleasant yet very colorful experience. It's like a painting that hurts your eyes too much you do not want to look at it again, and yet it is stuck in your memory. I think that is what makes an artwork effective and beautiful. However, it is such an injustice to paintings, or any form of art, to be compared to my life. I apologize for that.
Last thought that I have to get out of my head so I can study in peace: I am a failure. Before, some people knew me, and had hopes for me. Time has passed and those certain people do not remember me anymore. That is because I did not live up to their hopes. I know, people say that you shouldn't live how others want you to live etc etc, but I guess this is different. It's more of like I think they can see what I am aiming at, and they had hopes for me that I can get a clearer view of what I am aiming at, so they were there to help me climb up higher in this tree I'm in. But sadly, I had failed them. They did not see me trying, and so they just concentrated on others whose efforts they can see. And because I lost my support and guide, and add confusion to it, it's like I slipped and fell into mud, stuck. And now the very least I can do so as to not let my support and guide down is to stand up and get a grip of that tree again. But now I'm on my own, because I passed up on the chance.
Okay now I think I'm ready to see "I'm sure that given proper training and objectives, she'll develop into that person she wants to be" work in my life. To the person who said this, I know that you probably don't remember or even know me anymore, but please know that you are a teacher who had left a mark in my life, and I will assure you that, maybe not soon, but someday, I will live up to your hopes, not only for me, but for the people you have entrusted your passion to.
Wow okey this is such an incoherent post, please don't mind me.
Sunday 6 January 2013
Wednesday 26 December 2012
I am so sorry but I don't like people who act like that. Who mocks other people because they think they are WAY smarter than that. Well, popular people gonna be popu. It's not like we can do something about them. To a certain person, don't worry, you won't be hassled by me blogging about you because nobody reads my blog anyway. And don't worry I am not going to post whatever you people talked about. Like breaking up couples and stuff. No.
Anyway, I was here to post about something. But I guess I got distracted, so I forgot what I was about to do. So I will just leave it like this.
This is weird. And sort of self-degrading.
I've read this post by a certain person hiding behind a pseudonym "Paulo Reyes". This person claims to be from my batch, but whether this person is a guy or a gal is currently unknown. And whether this person is an insider is also unknown. But I would just assume that this person isn't.
Dear person, I have read your one-time post. I am saddened by the fact that you decided to waste Blogger's space just to post a single post. And it's that kind of post. I want you to know that I may agree with your descriptions of some of the girls you mentioned in your list, but I definitely don't approve of your unnecessary mention of a certain Facebook group, namely "The Paz Disciples" for that matter.
I'd like to think that you are an outsider. Otherwise, that would be a real shame.
I wouldn't waste time and thoughts to defend The Paz Disciples, because I know it's no use.
Saturday 8 December 2012
Christmas Wishlist (Part 1): Cameras and Film.
CAMERAS:
FILM:
 |
| Konica-Minolta XTsi (SLR camera) |
 |
| Konica-Minolta HTsi PLUS (SLR camera) |
 |
| Canon 7D (DSLR camera) |
 |
| Sony a-20 (DSLR camera) |
 |
| Diana F+ (Lomography camera) |
 |
| Holga 135BC (Lomography camera) |
Friday 26 October 2012
26102012
26th of October, 2012.
It's ten in the evening. It's cold. The air conditioner is cooling the room down to 17 degrees Celsius. Honestly, I can't take rooms that are this cold. But now, I don't even have a blanket.
I'm shivering like crazy. I don't even know why I'm doing this to myself. I'm not a fan of physically punishing myself-- like lashes and stuff. I guess the closest I can get is punching walls-- the pebbled (or something) ones. But now I guess I am going full retard by trying to sulk in a room that has a temperature I can't stand. How weird.
I feel cold. DUH. But not just that kind of cold. I feel like I'm a cold-hearted person, and *insert drumroll* 'nilalamig sa loob'. That's a phrase that my friends and I use if we mean that there's no one who love the person back.
Love? I don't mean that romantic love kind of thing. Just plain love. Like, how you love your kind. Or something like that. I mean like how you love a fellow human, just because he is a human. No, I did not make sense (oh well, no one reads this anyway).
Why am I trying to punish myself anyway? Right now, even I think this is a crazy idea. But I don't know, it feels as if I would die of tachycardia if I cover myself from the cold. Or I don't know, I think my anatomy concepts are twisted and mixed up right now. It's weird. I'm weird. NORMAL.
Today was crazy. Especially a certain hour this day, around after lunch. It was a fun hour. We're being hyper while in the sleepover and all. But then I guess, the fun and hyper-ness went a bit too out of hand. Here's the thing-- they wanted to screw with my Twitter. I don't mind, really, as long as they don't post any bad words. So I just let them post whatever they want, reply however they like, and say whatever.
But then after a while, I got kind of alarmed/worried, because the person they were bothering isn't replying anymore. So I had to take a look to see if everything was alright. Actually, those things they posted aren't really offensive so I was fine with it. But it just came to a point that I had a feeling that the person went off Twitter to get away from the people (who are using my account) who are bothering him .
We're not really close to begin with. We don't even talk in person. I think the only time/s I get to talk to him is when I ask him to do something. Nothing more. But despite that, I still sent a DM. And how glad I am that he was being honest in the DM.
I got the message. I cut my friends short. They diverted their attentions to other things, like movies or projects or whatever. Meanwhile, I am there, thinking about everything that was said and done. And also, I was deleting stuff so that they wouldn't appear on the persons "@Connect" tab.
I apologized. I was as sincere as I could ever get, except that I apologized through text, so the other person probably wouldn't even feel a tinge of sincerity in my apology.
But then again, whether I get forgiven or not, it does not really make a difference, I guess. For once, we're not really friends. We do not talk much in person. If he does not forgive me, we will not talk (and possibly, I would already stop asking for favors from him -- which is sort of a bad thing if you find out what this favor is, but screw that). If he does forgive me, we will still not talk, because we're not even friends to begin with.
I can't forget one of his tweets to me. "and you allow them to =))))" LOOK THERE'S A LAUGHING EMOTICON. But no, to me, it's as if those don't exist. Or to be more precise, those symbols are just there because they were put in that tweet out of habit. Now, that phrase is like my reminder that whatever happened is all my fault. If I hadn't let them screw with my Twitter, then nothing of that sort would have happened.
Ugh, I'm such a horrible kid.
It's ten in the evening. It's cold. The air conditioner is cooling the room down to 17 degrees Celsius. Honestly, I can't take rooms that are this cold. But now, I don't even have a blanket.
I'm shivering like crazy. I don't even know why I'm doing this to myself. I'm not a fan of physically punishing myself-- like lashes and stuff. I guess the closest I can get is punching walls-- the pebbled (or something) ones. But now I guess I am going full retard by trying to sulk in a room that has a temperature I can't stand. How weird.
I feel cold. DUH. But not just that kind of cold. I feel like I'm a cold-hearted person, and *insert drumroll* 'nilalamig sa loob'. That's a phrase that my friends and I use if we mean that there's no one who love the person back.
Love? I don't mean that romantic love kind of thing. Just plain love. Like, how you love your kind. Or something like that. I mean like how you love a fellow human, just because he is a human. No, I did not make sense (oh well, no one reads this anyway).
Why am I trying to punish myself anyway? Right now, even I think this is a crazy idea. But I don't know, it feels as if I would die of tachycardia if I cover myself from the cold. Or I don't know, I think my anatomy concepts are twisted and mixed up right now. It's weird. I'm weird. NORMAL.
Today was crazy. Especially a certain hour this day, around after lunch. It was a fun hour. We're being hyper while in the sleepover and all. But then I guess, the fun and hyper-ness went a bit too out of hand. Here's the thing-- they wanted to screw with my Twitter. I don't mind, really, as long as they don't post any bad words. So I just let them post whatever they want, reply however they like, and say whatever.
But then after a while, I got kind of alarmed/worried, because the person they were bothering isn't replying anymore. So I had to take a look to see if everything was alright. Actually, those things they posted aren't really offensive so I was fine with it. But it just came to a point that I had a feeling that the person went off Twitter to get away from the people (who are using my account) who are bothering him .
We're not really close to begin with. We don't even talk in person. I think the only time/s I get to talk to him is when I ask him to do something. Nothing more. But despite that, I still sent a DM. And how glad I am that he was being honest in the DM.
I got the message. I cut my friends short. They diverted their attentions to other things, like movies or projects or whatever. Meanwhile, I am there, thinking about everything that was said and done. And also, I was deleting stuff so that they wouldn't appear on the persons "@Connect" tab.
I apologized. I was as sincere as I could ever get, except that I apologized through text, so the other person probably wouldn't even feel a tinge of sincerity in my apology.
But then again, whether I get forgiven or not, it does not really make a difference, I guess. For once, we're not really friends. We do not talk much in person. If he does not forgive me, we will not talk (and possibly, I would already stop asking for favors from him -- which is sort of a bad thing if you find out what this favor is, but screw that). If he does forgive me, we will still not talk, because we're not even friends to begin with.
I can't forget one of his tweets to me. "and you allow them to =))))" LOOK THERE'S A LAUGHING EMOTICON. But no, to me, it's as if those don't exist. Or to be more precise, those symbols are just there because they were put in that tweet out of habit. Now, that phrase is like my reminder that whatever happened is all my fault. If I hadn't let them screw with my Twitter, then nothing of that sort would have happened.
Ugh, I'm such a horrible kid.
Monday 13 August 2012
Something is odd in the school. THERE IS NO INTERNET! That is just so sad. And what's worse, is that I think the other dorms have Internet. Meanwhile, us, we can access only Google, and its related sites [Gmail, Blogspot, etc. BUT NOT YOUTUBE.]. It's so annoying. I mean, I'm so Twitter-deprived already. And seriously, I have people who I can only talk to through Twitter ['cause, aside from that we don't really see each other that much in person, it's awkward when we do.] So, I swear, at least let me access Twitter! [Selfish request.]
Friday 10 August 2012
[Almost] Mid-August Thoughts
Two-and-a-half months down, seven to go! Normally, by this time, we've started with the Second Quarter already. But because of the recent disasters, our schedule had been pulled back by a full week, so a lot of people are scared that they might take away our Humanities Week [I'm one of those!]. I really, honestly, hope not, because we were unfortunate enough to not have one when we were still Freshmen. I mean, that would suck if we only get to experience a Humanities Week 2 out of 4 years...
Two-and-a-half months down, seven to go! I've started filling out my De La Salle University forms [Meanwhile, my Ateneo forms are not even halfway done...], and my, it's really hard to pick a course! It's kind of like UP, because there are a lot of programs to choose from. The only difference is, this time, I came to know more about what I don't really like [Which is exactly what I put in my UP Application, so, that sucks]. Ateneo is quite different because there aren't really a lot to choose from, [but it's still hard to pick!] so I guess it's not as hard to pick. And, I would really, really want to get in a scholarship program of DLSU. If what I heard is true, then being a Star Scholar would be really, really great! I mean, we're not really that privileged, so it's not like I can actually afford to study in De La Salle without a scholarship. But if Star Scholar is too high of a goal, then I hope to get in Vaugirard, which is pretty much exclusive to people coming from Public High Schools [and, I think Pisay is one of them?].
Two-and-a-half months down, seven to go! Honestly, I think time is buzzing by too fast. Way too fast. It's just August and yet I can feel graduation coming [it's not like I'm going to graduate, but then you know, that event]. And I can already feel how much I will miss some people when I've left Pisay for good. Especially some lower years, whom I've managed to become pretty close with. Well, maybe not quite, but I can say it's somewhere on the 'Friends' level. I guess? And not just the people, but the culture in general.
Two-and-a-half months down, seven to go! I still have no progress. Before this school year started, I had a lot of plans. And I mean, A LOT. And as the school year started, and the first few days and weeks went by, more goals and plans had been added. But assessing my performance so far, I don't think I had any progress. Right now, I'm still the laziest a student and a person can get. All those goals to subtly improve on study habits? Not ticked. And another thing, I'm still not close, nor have made any new friends at all with my new classmates. I know that's weird and sad, but I know that's because I'm the most not-cool person you'll ever encounter. I mean it. And forget about being GC. I really just don't understand the lessons anymore.
And forgive me, but can I just say how disappointing GAQT is. Well, actually, just the part where we're not allowed to review the questionnaire. I might not know their reasons, but I have to respect that. I know there's a good and fair reason for that. But if I could have it my way, there's really just these two things I'd like to check out, if I get to see the exam again. One, if I got the meaning of NDRRMC correctly, and two, where did I go wrong in the Multiple Choice part. I mean, I'd just like to see the question where I got a mistake in the Multiple Choice part, and correct whatever incorrect information I had back then. 'Cause that's the only thing bothering me [about the GAQT, at least] at the moment, since I already know the correct answers for my other mistakes. And it just sucks that I rarely have a sense of being a "GC" [grade-conscious] person, and maybe you can call that an overachiever as well, and yet it has to be somewhere I could not fully access all the information. [I think that didn't make any sense] Alright, enough of GAQT.
Two-and-a-half months down, seven-and-a-half to go! Remember what Sir Martin said? Remember what Mr. Estrella (CorComm) said? And I know, I promised myself to do as much as I can to not disappoint them. But right now, it feels as if everything I'm trying to do is a deviation from what they told us to do.
Right now, I'm still that happy-go-lucky person who cares the least about things. Which also translates to lack of self-discipline, something that Sir Martin asked of us. And though sometimes I tell the lower years what they should and shouldn't do at certain times, it's not like I do those all the time either. So much for setting a good example, right? I'm sorry, Sir Martin, if I am contributing to the causes of your disappointment. I know it will take quite a while to be able to manifest a good self-discipline, but Sir, I will see to it that, at least personally, I have fulfilled your wishes. I have stood by your standards. That I have been worthy to be placed under your authority.
"Patunayan n'yo na karapat-dapat kayo na maging Iskolar ng Bayan!" "Pakiusap, 'wag na kayong dumagdag pa sa problema ng Pilipinas!" Those two statements of Mr. Estrella really stuck to my head. That was during an informal CAT meeting [the Friday before UPCAT], and I think it stuck mainly because those were what had been in my mind before I went to that session. I don't know how many times I've said this before, but, I'm already in Fourth Year and yet I don't feel like I've proven myself, even just a bit, to be worthy of becoming a Pisay Scholar. And that feeling sucks, you know. It feels like, all this time, I've been wasting all the time, effort, and money that the country, and my fellow countrymen had invested in me. And as I had mentioned earlier, I'm not really a person who has a good self-discipline, and so I am inclined to say that I am actually contributing to the retardation of the advancement of this country. Which is quite ironic for a Pisay scholar, who is expected to be the pioneers of this country's growth and progress. See, all the more it makes me think that up to now, I'm still not worthy of my spot in this school.
But, Mr. Estrella, please do mark my words. You are the Corps Commander of this Batch I belong to, and as a cadet, I have to obey your orders. It might not have been a command, and you might have not taken-in command [if that's how you phrase it], but I still have the duty to follow your order. Not just because you're CorComm and I'm a cadet, but because I know that what you have told us to do is merely just a reminder of our duties that we have forgotten, if we even thought of it as duties in the first place. I might be one of those cadets who have the poorest performance in CAT, but at the end of it all, I will leave as a cadet. I will enter college as a person who came from Philippine Science High School, a school that has high standards in terms of academics and discipline. Impose whatever action you wish to take if I don't live up to my word, for even when we leave this school, I'm pretty sure that I will still look up to you as the Corps Commander of the batch I belong to.
What's really disappointing by far is that no matter how much I think I should start reforming myself, it just doesn't happen. I do try, but sooner or later, I find out that I had given up. But I really do hope that this year, with the remaining seven-and-half months, something will change. It might not be something really major, but I hope it will be concrete.
Two-and-a-half months down, seven to go! A lot of time had passed me by already, and there are still a lot to be done. No matter how much time have been wasted, I know it's still not too late. Well, I hope it really is not too late. Yet.
Two-and-a-half months down, seven to go! I've started filling out my De La Salle University forms [Meanwhile, my Ateneo forms are not even halfway done...], and my, it's really hard to pick a course! It's kind of like UP, because there are a lot of programs to choose from. The only difference is, this time, I came to know more about what I don't really like [Which is exactly what I put in my UP Application, so, that sucks]. Ateneo is quite different because there aren't really a lot to choose from, [but it's still hard to pick!] so I guess it's not as hard to pick. And, I would really, really want to get in a scholarship program of DLSU. If what I heard is true, then being a Star Scholar would be really, really great! I mean, we're not really that privileged, so it's not like I can actually afford to study in De La Salle without a scholarship. But if Star Scholar is too high of a goal, then I hope to get in Vaugirard, which is pretty much exclusive to people coming from Public High Schools [and, I think Pisay is one of them?].
Two-and-a-half months down, seven to go! Honestly, I think time is buzzing by too fast. Way too fast. It's just August and yet I can feel graduation coming [it's not like I'm going to graduate, but then you know, that event]. And I can already feel how much I will miss some people when I've left Pisay for good. Especially some lower years, whom I've managed to become pretty close with. Well, maybe not quite, but I can say it's somewhere on the 'Friends' level. I guess? And not just the people, but the culture in general.
Two-and-a-half months down, seven to go! I still have no progress. Before this school year started, I had a lot of plans. And I mean, A LOT. And as the school year started, and the first few days and weeks went by, more goals and plans had been added. But assessing my performance so far, I don't think I had any progress. Right now, I'm still the laziest a student and a person can get. All those goals to subtly improve on study habits? Not ticked. And another thing, I'm still not close, nor have made any new friends at all with my new classmates. I know that's weird and sad, but I know that's because I'm the most not-cool person you'll ever encounter. I mean it. And forget about being GC. I really just don't understand the lessons anymore.
And forgive me, but can I just say how disappointing GAQT is. Well, actually, just the part where we're not allowed to review the questionnaire. I might not know their reasons, but I have to respect that. I know there's a good and fair reason for that. But if I could have it my way, there's really just these two things I'd like to check out, if I get to see the exam again. One, if I got the meaning of NDRRMC correctly, and two, where did I go wrong in the Multiple Choice part. I mean, I'd just like to see the question where I got a mistake in the Multiple Choice part, and correct whatever incorrect information I had back then. 'Cause that's the only thing bothering me [about the GAQT, at least] at the moment, since I already know the correct answers for my other mistakes. And it just sucks that I rarely have a sense of being a "GC" [grade-conscious] person, and maybe you can call that an overachiever as well, and yet it has to be somewhere I could not fully access all the information. [I think that didn't make any sense] Alright, enough of GAQT.
Two-and-a-half months down, seven-and-a-half to go! Remember what Sir Martin said? Remember what Mr. Estrella (CorComm) said? And I know, I promised myself to do as much as I can to not disappoint them. But right now, it feels as if everything I'm trying to do is a deviation from what they told us to do.
Right now, I'm still that happy-go-lucky person who cares the least about things. Which also translates to lack of self-discipline, something that Sir Martin asked of us. And though sometimes I tell the lower years what they should and shouldn't do at certain times, it's not like I do those all the time either. So much for setting a good example, right? I'm sorry, Sir Martin, if I am contributing to the causes of your disappointment. I know it will take quite a while to be able to manifest a good self-discipline, but Sir, I will see to it that, at least personally, I have fulfilled your wishes. I have stood by your standards. That I have been worthy to be placed under your authority.
"Patunayan n'yo na karapat-dapat kayo na maging Iskolar ng Bayan!" "Pakiusap, 'wag na kayong dumagdag pa sa problema ng Pilipinas!" Those two statements of Mr. Estrella really stuck to my head. That was during an informal CAT meeting [the Friday before UPCAT], and I think it stuck mainly because those were what had been in my mind before I went to that session. I don't know how many times I've said this before, but, I'm already in Fourth Year and yet I don't feel like I've proven myself, even just a bit, to be worthy of becoming a Pisay Scholar. And that feeling sucks, you know. It feels like, all this time, I've been wasting all the time, effort, and money that the country, and my fellow countrymen had invested in me. And as I had mentioned earlier, I'm not really a person who has a good self-discipline, and so I am inclined to say that I am actually contributing to the retardation of the advancement of this country. Which is quite ironic for a Pisay scholar, who is expected to be the pioneers of this country's growth and progress. See, all the more it makes me think that up to now, I'm still not worthy of my spot in this school.
But, Mr. Estrella, please do mark my words. You are the Corps Commander of this Batch I belong to, and as a cadet, I have to obey your orders. It might not have been a command, and you might have not taken-in command [if that's how you phrase it], but I still have the duty to follow your order. Not just because you're CorComm and I'm a cadet, but because I know that what you have told us to do is merely just a reminder of our duties that we have forgotten, if we even thought of it as duties in the first place. I might be one of those cadets who have the poorest performance in CAT, but at the end of it all, I will leave as a cadet. I will enter college as a person who came from Philippine Science High School, a school that has high standards in terms of academics and discipline. Impose whatever action you wish to take if I don't live up to my word, for even when we leave this school, I'm pretty sure that I will still look up to you as the Corps Commander of the batch I belong to.
What's really disappointing by far is that no matter how much I think I should start reforming myself, it just doesn't happen. I do try, but sooner or later, I find out that I had given up. But I really do hope that this year, with the remaining seven-and-half months, something will change. It might not be something really major, but I hope it will be concrete.
Two-and-a-half months down, seven to go! A lot of time had passed me by already, and there are still a lot to be done. No matter how much time have been wasted, I know it's still not too late. Well, I hope it really is not too late. Yet.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)